please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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