i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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