what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
