just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
