dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
