the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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