Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
