Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
