me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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