she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
