when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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