So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
How does it feel to date your dad?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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