I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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