I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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