Porn is love you can see.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
