At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
