2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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