i love accidental penises.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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