omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
