I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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