I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
