I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize