I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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