why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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