yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
