she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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