This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
