That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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