He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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