R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
me + whiskey = a bad person
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
