Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
