Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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