something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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