Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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