got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
