I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Someone shattered a urinal.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
