shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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