I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
