in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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