Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You pole danced in your parka.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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