I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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