I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
