I wish I only lived at night.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
