Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
