We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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