It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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