There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
