the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
