you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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