Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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