my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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