He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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