Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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