do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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