i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
