You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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