I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
