At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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