There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
