I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
