Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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