Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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