was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize