Where did you get a picture of my penis
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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